Just when u think i'd update this blog with a wee bit of brightness in a new post, here i go again pouring cold water over every reader.

had another argument with G, this time over my priorities. namely, the com. just last week, we had a major argument, and we've only just begun to patch things up back to like the good times. then i have to go all over again and fuck it all up. this time, regarding the com. i'm not defending myself, i do know that i've been spending too much time staring at this damn screen.

not too soon after the talk ended, the self-proclaimed matriarch of the household decided to barge into my room unannounced as usual and came in to dunno wtf. evidently, the wtf this time round was to snatch my wallet and scrutinize the insides. what the fuck la. u dun see me blatantly opening ur handbag with its dunno what gold or shit inside. she then proceeded to interrogate me abt the significant lack of funds inside my wallet. like, piss off la. i dun tel u to do what with ur money esp since i know the stuff u waste on and the freeloaders that loaf off it, what the fuck gives u the right to push this all on me instead.

there are times in life where u either lie or just work your way around. when asked abt the lack of funds in my wallet, obviously i cant say to her face that, oh i used it up to get what and what, because obviously i want what i get for someone else to be appreciated and liked but also kept unknown from the matriarch for very obvious reasons. but no. she had to keep pressing and trying to account for the days that passed since she last opened my wallet blatantly and saw xx funds inside. fuck la. i was this close to blowing my top off. getting off the fone from 1 argument and almsot facing another one really made me so damn FUCKING frustrated.

and in both cases, i can do nothing in the meantime but keep my mouth shut. arguing with G wont help things, neither will letting it out on my mum. i'm always the one in the wrong. i know i'm in the wrong, most of the time, for the person i am. sure, i have faults. i'm sure i can find more faults in myself than any other person can find or admit that i have. but when stuff keeps crashing down like this, what u want me to do? burn my room? live off the streets? cut my kneecaps? slap myself until i bleed? cos sometimes when i'm frustrated, really really frustrated, such stuff flashes through my mind. and i'm angry at myself for allowing such thoughts, but they still do.

in my parents' eyes, i'll never be good enough. i'll always never be too fit enough, never healthy enough, never smart enough, never good enough for any damn fuck thing. sure, i get allowance, i get meals, i get a room. but all this fucking baggage that comes with it, not a single fucking redeeming factor. the day i become financially independent, i say fuck this, fuck you, up yours, fuck off.

obviously when i do get to that stage, all these frustrations and arguments would be moot or irrelevant by then cos the anger dies down. but it doesnt mean it can afford to pile on top of me like shit now.

kenneth ho, u are seriously fucked up. all your failings in life, all cos of your fucking inadequacy. everyone else is always doing better than you. you dont deserve a break at all.

i was never thanked enough for the stuff i do, just blamed and pointed a finger at, glared at, snided at, ridiculed at. what kind of person am i? do i even deserve the life i'm living?



i'm going to sleep. or rather, i'm turning in for the night. as to whether i'll sleep or tear myself to sleep, i dun know. i dun know how i'll feel in the morning, but i do know i feel like shit now.

Ken blogged on 12:33 AM

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