well, at least it hasnt been 2 weeks of rotting..
temping at my mum's office now, doing filing and getting free papercuts.. guess it still beats rotting at home..

xmas was overall, a great time. except for the usual presence of freeloaders. piss off man..

u ever get the feeling u're being smothered sometimes? by accumulation of exhaustion and weariness and discomfort? how much can u take until u have to shout out loud to get a break? but then again, what happens after u shout? i'd say, after the shout, comes more trouble. what else to do, then?

Ken blogged on 9:25 PM

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Rejected again. By NEA this time.


sigh.
26 days of rotting. i dun want to spend the next 81 days rotting as well.

Ken blogged on 11:39 AM

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Just when u think i'd update this blog with a wee bit of brightness in a new post, here i go again pouring cold water over every reader.

had another argument with G, this time over my priorities. namely, the com. just last week, we had a major argument, and we've only just begun to patch things up back to like the good times. then i have to go all over again and fuck it all up. this time, regarding the com. i'm not defending myself, i do know that i've been spending too much time staring at this damn screen.

not too soon after the talk ended, the self-proclaimed matriarch of the household decided to barge into my room unannounced as usual and came in to dunno wtf. evidently, the wtf this time round was to snatch my wallet and scrutinize the insides. what the fuck la. u dun see me blatantly opening ur handbag with its dunno what gold or shit inside. she then proceeded to interrogate me abt the significant lack of funds inside my wallet. like, piss off la. i dun tel u to do what with ur money esp since i know the stuff u waste on and the freeloaders that loaf off it, what the fuck gives u the right to push this all on me instead.

there are times in life where u either lie or just work your way around. when asked abt the lack of funds in my wallet, obviously i cant say to her face that, oh i used it up to get what and what, because obviously i want what i get for someone else to be appreciated and liked but also kept unknown from the matriarch for very obvious reasons. but no. she had to keep pressing and trying to account for the days that passed since she last opened my wallet blatantly and saw xx funds inside. fuck la. i was this close to blowing my top off. getting off the fone from 1 argument and almsot facing another one really made me so damn FUCKING frustrated.

and in both cases, i can do nothing in the meantime but keep my mouth shut. arguing with G wont help things, neither will letting it out on my mum. i'm always the one in the wrong. i know i'm in the wrong, most of the time, for the person i am. sure, i have faults. i'm sure i can find more faults in myself than any other person can find or admit that i have. but when stuff keeps crashing down like this, what u want me to do? burn my room? live off the streets? cut my kneecaps? slap myself until i bleed? cos sometimes when i'm frustrated, really really frustrated, such stuff flashes through my mind. and i'm angry at myself for allowing such thoughts, but they still do.

in my parents' eyes, i'll never be good enough. i'll always never be too fit enough, never healthy enough, never smart enough, never good enough for any damn fuck thing. sure, i get allowance, i get meals, i get a room. but all this fucking baggage that comes with it, not a single fucking redeeming factor. the day i become financially independent, i say fuck this, fuck you, up yours, fuck off.

obviously when i do get to that stage, all these frustrations and arguments would be moot or irrelevant by then cos the anger dies down. but it doesnt mean it can afford to pile on top of me like shit now.

kenneth ho, u are seriously fucked up. all your failings in life, all cos of your fucking inadequacy. everyone else is always doing better than you. you dont deserve a break at all.

i was never thanked enough for the stuff i do, just blamed and pointed a finger at, glared at, snided at, ridiculed at. what kind of person am i? do i even deserve the life i'm living?



i'm going to sleep. or rather, i'm turning in for the night. as to whether i'll sleep or tear myself to sleep, i dun know. i dun know how i'll feel in the morning, but i do know i feel like shit now.

Ken blogged on 12:33 AM

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Dear readers.

i'm back in sg for the summer hols already, since mid november. really sorry for the delay in updates. exams were kinda tough, and i'm glad to be rid of those courses. at least i have only 1 year more till i finish. then its back to the army for a month and half of i-dunno-what, then working life..

oh, talking abt working life. some of you may have known, i recently applied for an internship at Hyflux Sg. the initial feedback was rather positive, so i waited patiently for a reply. well, i got the reply this morning, and it basically drew "NO" on my forehead in big bold red letters. caps.

hell, straight away, i applied for another internship at the NEA. hope i get this one. i've learnt that some people are rather unreliable. if the lucky ones read this, know in thy heart that ur trustworthiness isnt what people expected to be.

been doing some a lot of xmas shopping for my nephews and nieces, looks like i might as well rent a Santa costume for this xmas considering the size and amount of presents i have to lug to the dinner. wouldnt mind that actually..

now. those of u who know me, have known me to be a very unfit person. so, me and G have decided and saw to it that we start jogging to improve our fitness and stamina level. health reasons too. seems to work out pretty well so far, hope that keeps up.

talking about working out well, it has been pointed out to me that i've changed into a different person since i got back here, as compared to before i came back for the hols. evidently, this "me" sucks. i really do think so too. and no thanks to "me", i've ruined something dear and precious. everyone, anyone, if u see me being "me" when i'm around you, throw it in my face so i get the point across and realise my mistake. i'm doing my best to change too of cos, but if i slip up and let "me" happen, let me know.

as for those who have no idea who "me" is, maybe i'll tell you, maybe i wont. if i dont tell you, dun hold it against me. maybe i'm still ashamed of "me".

Ken blogged on 6:36 PM

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